Friday, March 30, 2007

Process

Today's the day that my husband gives his notice at work, and we no longer can change our mind about moving back to West Coast City. I'm incredibly edgy even though the decision has felt quite final for a while now. (It doesn't help that I'm fiercely premenstrual and that I ran out of zoloft two days ago and won't be able to get a refill before this afternoon.)

One positive thing that's come out of this experience for us is new insight into just how differently we go about making decisions. I come from a family that loves nothing better than to sit around the kitchen table considering all the options, from all possible angles, ad nauseum, before making even the smallest decisions. I used to be frustrated by this, even as I was as wedded to its cubist approach as my parents; because the process would rarely, if ever, end up with any clear picture of what to do. If you think about anything long and hard enough, and you have a relatively open mind, you're likely to end up with ambivalence.

My husband, however, has an extremely low tolerance for ambivalence, which I believe is inextricably linked to his equally low tolerance for endless conversations at the kitchen table. He likes conversations to move quickly, in a linear fashion from point a to point b, and is extremely good, once arriving at point b, at not looking back and wondering what might have been had he taken a different route.

This difference between us, which used to manifest itself in our lives mainly around things like choosing which restaurant to eat at or which movie to rent, has been front and center this last year, and has led to some of our worst fights. And I think that, while it seemed we were fighting about "what to do," what we were really fighting about is "how to decide what to do." Because, from the start, we both sort of felt we could go either way with this decision and be OK, individually and as a family. What got us red in the face, however, were moments when either I seemed eager to rehash already-hashed out terrain (which would drive him crazy), or he seemed too easily to rest with arbitrary conclusions (which would drive me crazy).

It took us a long time to recognize that this was going on, but I think that, now that we have, our marriage is much stronger for it. In the end, we both compromised: I accepted the ultimate degree of arbitrariness in our decision, and he allowed himself to entertain opposing points of view for uncomfortably long periods of time.

Perhaps, when we go back to our cosmopolitan life, we will now have an easier time deciding whether to eat Thai or Indian.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

my brilliant career

When I read academic bloggers like Dr. Crazy or Profgrrl, I typically end up feeling envious of their ambition, confidence and engagement with their work. And then I realize: I used to be like that, back in the days before I had my daughter. OK, I was never terribly confident, but I worked my butt off, and got things published, and focused intensely on my research, classes, and students.

Most importantly--and this is my new realization, which led me to want to write this post--I was able back then to adapt my schedule completely to the demands and rhythms of my work. I could stay up all night finishing a novel, spend a day in the coffee shop grading, preparing a lecture, or writing an article, sleep-in after a late night's work, eat dinner at 10 pm while watching TV to unwind, etc. Intellectual work has always been deeply tied, for me, to this impulsive and irregular scheduling of my time: work/write/think when inspiration and/or deadlines strike, relax/eat/socialize in the moments between.

With a small child, this approach, for me at least, is simply out of the question. These days, work and sleep need to happen at certain times of day and on certain days of the week if they are to happen at all.

These last two years have allowed me to delay figuring out how to be an academic and a mom at the same time. Though frustrated by my lack of productivity during this break, I've enjoyed living by a more regular schedule. I like it when everything happens at around the same time every day: meals, snacks, preschool drop-off and pick-up, bed-time, waking up. I like that I can be around for all of those things, without sacrificing anything more than the brilliant literary critical opus that is still bouncing around in my head.

Come fall, this will all change. My life will become much more complicated, and I will need to figure out some new strategies for coping. It seems ridiculous that I'm only just recognizing this--and of course, I'm not, I've realized it from day one in a way. But never in terms of the different ways I inhabit and schedule my time as a mom vs a professional.

I think one answer is to give up this notion of my potential "brilliance" that I romantically tie to impulse and irregularity. It really is time I outgrew that version of myself.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

To Do, Two

Update: My daughter's school called around noon to report that my poor sweet girl had thrown up and was running a fever. Ah well. I can at least report that by then I'd made some serious headway on the chapter revision and even cleaned! the! bathroom!, so hopefully I'll be able to regain my momentum once this third, and hopefully final, round of winter stomach bug plays itself out. By the way, since I took the photos (below) this morning, the temperature outside has risen from 7 F to 40 F; seasonal change is indeed in the air.

Since I didn't manage to get back to blogging yesterday, I'll do both my reporting on yesterday, and today's list in this post.

As anyone who knows me may have expected, I didn't deliver on my list, but I did get work done. In other words, making and posting the list motivated me to work, but on somewhat different things than I'd decided needed to be done. (I'm not sure if my problem is that I can't stick to my stated goals, or that I come up with the wrong goals.)

What I said I'd do//What I did:
  • Revise the introduction of the chapter that I plan to send out as a writing sample with my book prospectus//I started revising it, but then had a "brilliant idea" that required a detour into re-reading a rather lengthy book chapter that did, in fact, help me think through some important things for my own chapter, which I then began to apply to the chapter, though I didn't finish the introduction as hoped.
  • Print out what I have of the prospectus and take notes on precisely what I have left to do/I printed out the prospectus and...that's it; I printed out the prospectus.
  • Clean the upstairs bathroom/Uh, I baked a loaf of bread and tidied up the living room (i.e., picked up stray tinker toys, books, and blocks; which is decidedly not, as I'm sure Suzanne would agree, equivalent to scrubbing toilets)
OK, so now that I've destroyed whatever credibility I may have had in this new list-making venture, I will nonetheless try, try again with a list for today. Today, I will:
  • Finish revising the introduction
  • Read through prospectus and make detailed list of what still needs to be done, and do at least one thing on that list
  • Clean upstairs bathroom!
For being such good sports for actually reading this far in so boring a post, I give you the following photographs, which I took this morning after dropping my daughter off at preschool. (I think today, the first day of spring, might actually be the last opportunity for photos like this, since melting should commence tomorrow.)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

To Do

Now that I'm back among those trying to get things done, I think I'll use this blog for some self-discipline. You know the routine: I write down, and you all read, what I plan to get done today , and then, at the end of the day, I have to report on how I did.

Are we having fun yet?

All right then, let's get to it. By 3 pm today, when I pick up my daughter after her nap, I will:
  • Revise the introduction of the chapter that I plan to send out as a writing sample with my book prospectus.
  • Print out what I have of the prospectus and take notes on precisely what I have left to do.
  • Clean the upstairs bathroom.
That seems simple enough, no?

Friday, March 16, 2007

On “Heroes”

Reader beware: long post!

Having indulged for much of this week in watching "Heroes" online while suffering (though not so much that I couldn’t have spent my time more productively—see previous post) from a bad cold, I feel as if I should make some effort to extract some significance from the experience.

I should state, for the record, that we do not have TV in this house, and that all of my TV-show consumption of the last two years has come, for the most part, from the web or Netflix. It has consisted mainly of Six Feet Under (we watched the very last episode last week, sniff!) and LOST (which I feel I must fully capitalize, as per the TV credits), with a few migrations into Ugly Betty and that one about the sexy interns on ABC. And that’s it. I have no idea what people are saying about Heroes, only that it seems to be quite popular, and I imagine that any thinking person would probably say ‘no duh’ to what I’m about to write. Anyway.

First of all, it is definitely an addictive show, for all the usual reasons: like LOST and probably a bunch of other shows I haven’t seen (24?), it maintains a high level of suspense and mystery by promising a big “reveal” sometime in the future, while each episode gives you a missing link, and thus the feeling that you’re somehow inching closer to some kind of grand revelation; and it gets you involved in the lives of an attractive assortment of characters, each of whom is special and important and, with a few comic exceptions, sexy, and whose stories gradually become increasingly interlocked.

I think Heroes does these things a bit better than LOST, actually, because it hasn’t gotten itself stuck in any dead end romance plots or love triangles, and its “big mystery” isn’t as mysterious, or ever-shifting, as LOST’s has become. You actually believe, in other words, that the writers have control of the narrative and aren’t just making it up as they go along. The story promises to have more linearity even as it continually jumps from character to character, setting to setting. (Is this the key to its popularity? We 21st-century consumers want nonlinear narratives with multiple points of view, because that is now how we experience the world, but we still want to believe, or are willing to suspend disbelief, that everything’s tied together somehow, that an omniscient narrator (aka “Destiny” in Heroes-speak) will eventually step in to reveal all.)

I find I’m enjoying Heroes more than I ever enjoyed LOST, perhaps also because it takes itself less seriously. Even as it deals with encroaching nuclear apocalypse and personal tragedies, the show’s comic-book aura and super-hero plot kind of keeps it more honest than the increasingly ponderous LOST. I get so sick, with LOST, of all those pseudo-philosophical revelations everyone's always spouting; Heroes arguably does the same thing, but somehow doesn't grate in the same way. (I also hate how no one could talk to Jack without saying his name in every damn sentence. Makes for a good college drinking game, I’m sure, but drives me beserk.)

On the other hand, Heroes’ production value seems lower than LOST’s. The acting is more uneven, and the writing at times sloppy and unconvincing (and not always in a coyly comic book kind of way, either).

Also disappointing—and this is perhaps what I’d like to think about most, in relation to today’s American popular culture—is that (like LOST) it projects itself as a new kind of narrative with its international cast and multiple perspectives, but it seems really to be yet one more celebration of the white American male. (This thesis depends to some degree on how the plot develops...so don't hold me to it.)

It seems to me that the main characters (the ones you are led to care about most) are white American guys and gals. The people of color/non-Americans are marginal, adding complexity to the main white characters but not themselves very 3 dimensional. Perhaps Hiro is the exception, in that he seems to be one of, if not the, main “hero,” what with his name and his comic book/manga stylings. But he’s also, I think, molded after a classic orientalist stereotype: goofy and childlike, his likeability seems to hinge on his being essentially asexual, an Asian male whose masculinity pales before that of the Petrelli brothers (macho and sensitive white guys), the black men (hot), and the Indian narrator, who himself embodies another stereotype: wise Indian guru man’s budding guru son, who’s also effeminate, pretty, gullible. The effeminacy of the Asian men doesn’t only contrast with the masculinity of the white men, but helps prop it up in our imaginations.

Also, it seems, though who knows, that all of these potential heroes aren’t in fact, as is so often being stated, trying to “save the world,” but rather trying to save New York City, where we’re being led to believe some kind of nuclear explosion will take place. As we know, another huge explosion in NYC would be a horrible thing, but not necessarily the end of the world.

As for gender, not only are the two main women both blond, beautiful, white Americans, but they are also both—so far at least—presented to us less as empowered by their newly discovered skills, than as victims of their own power, and in ways that invoke very familiar constructions of femininity. (All of the heroes are victims of their power at first, but the men quickly become determined to gain control over it (for good or evil); the women don't seem to recognize that they could own their own power.) Claire is the classic horror movie target: the innocent cheerleader girl next door; and Nicki (who, tell me if I’m wrong, is the spitting image of Nicole Simpson) is a classic Madonna/whore split personality straight out of daytime soaps. Simone, the one prominent non-white female (am I forgetting anyone else?), is killed off, but before then functions primarily as the shared love interest of two white men.

All of that said, I must say I’m enjoying it immensely.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Is it Thursday already?

So I'm back from my fling with doing nuttin'. I had fun, but there are limits to how long even I can sustain lazy without sliding into darker places like, say, depressed. Though I feel oddly light and guilt-free about this break from getting stuff done, perhaps because during it all I continued to have a raging sore throat, hacking cough, and enough mucus exiting my nose to...well, I won't finish that thought. A lot of mucus.

And I must confess, in case I have overstated my capacity for suspending all activity, that I didn't only stare into space (itself, of course, an activity of the highest order) for two and a half days, but also managed to watch much of the season of "Heroes" online. There's a post brewing about this experience, though it will have to wait until I attend to all the more pressing matters I've been stubbornly ignoring.

Now I'm off to make a list!

Edited to add: Do I diminish the value of my experience any further by also admitting (so that you don't think I'm a callous parent/spouse) that my laziness was pretty much confined to preschool hours? I did manage to feed, clothe, read to, play with, and bathe my daughter during the other hours of the day. But I have no guilt about being otherwise lazy. Really.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Embracing the Void

I can't seem to wrest myself from the sluggishness that has seeped into my being these last few days, which I've spent either tending to my vomitous, coughing, snotty, and clingy daughter or trying to take care of my own coughing, snotty, achy, though thankfully vomit-free self. I hate being sick, but nothing beats being sick AND having to parent a sick child at the same time. (OK, there are obviously worse things, but I'm feeling hyperbolic at the moment, so indulge me.)

While I hate being sick, I do kind of like the excuse to do nothing but lie in bed and just stare into space. I'm excellent at lazy. I do lazy better than anyone I know (except maybe my best friend in high school, with whom I used to spend entire, glorious days having breakfast). While I am likely to feel ashamed of my laziness when caught in the act (or non-act) by a normal person intent on "getting things done," I'm actually secretly proud of my capacity to do nothing.

But it's hard to justify this behavior in adulthood, when one has familial and professional responsibilities; when your socio-economic bracket is supposedly addicted to work, loathe to take vacation time, unable to relax; and when you happen to have married someone whose work ethic is off the charts, who prides himself in NEVER calling in sick, and even refuses to admit to being sick when he is. (Can you imagine?!) So, I take my slothful moments where I can, and today, with my daughter finally back in preschool and my own professional life still on hold, is one going to be one of those moments, I think.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

On deciding

Yeah, I basically suck at this blogging thing. But whatever. I'm glad it's here when the impulse strikes, and it's nice to know that my failure to maintain any kind of regular blogging habits has no real consequences. (Besides the fact that hardly anyone reads the blog, about which I don't think I much care.)

So, today I Wednesday whined (or rather anti-whined) that my family has decided to return to the Bay Area, to my being the primary bread-winner, and being once again on a "track" that's familiar, if not altogether satisfying, to me.

And then I had a long conversation with my next-door neighbor, whom I have always liked but rarely managed to hang out with, who, after hearing that we're most likely leaving, began to give her spiel about why she thinks this is such a great place to raise kids AND to, in effect, suggest that there might be work for me in her husband's school district.

Now, she said nothing I haven't heard/thought endlessly about before vis-a-vis the fabulousness of this place for children, and the idea of teaching high school students has never much appealed to me, so this conversation really should not have had an impact on my perspective.

And yet... What it did, I suppose, was bring home to me how little effort I've really put into finding a new professional life for myself outside academia. The "writing of my own script" that I romantically gestured toward at the end of my last post seems too quickly to have become a pipe dream easily abandoned for the comfort of a familiar, already-scripted narrative in which I play a sometimes central, more often marginal character. (Of course, I can choose to rewrite THAT script; my becoming more creative about how I live my life doesn't depend on my quitting my job.)

I should say that the decision to return was initiated primarily by my husband, who has come quite solidly to the realization that he can't imagine staying in this job for the long haul, and can't justify asking me to give up my career for something about which he feels so uncertain. And clearly, there are more professional opportunities for him out there than for me here.

I guess my point is that I'm still not sure what I want. Perhaps I never will be. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Perhaps it doesn't matter what we decide, but what we do with the decision.