Wandering mind

Having finally submitted the article (whew!), I find myself luxuriating in the temporary freedom of being between writing projects. Of course, there's the book to return to, and I'm actually looking forward to that, but I'm giving myself the rest of this week to let my mind wander. And take my mother-in-law to a museum and maybe do some laundry.

So, one place to which my mind wants to wander is: what on earth was ˆtalking about a few posts back when I went on that long-winded rant about blogging, market forces, the history of my humanities education and political activism? I'm thinking I'll delete that post, which seems to be attracting (and surely disappointing) readers who are still doing "Linda Hirshman" searches on technocrati. But, for myself if for no one else, I think I will also try to clarify (at some unspecified future date) what I was trying to say. It seemed important at the time, though I was in that weird manic state I get in right before deadlines.

On a related note, I also find myself wanting to think seriously about my long history of feeling inarticulate, and what it says about me that I would pursue a career that requires continual demonstrations of articulateness given my utter conviction that I "not have way" with words. [ "Some people have a way with words; others, not have way." --Steve Martin]

It's occurred to me lately that both my urge to write and my dread of writing come from this profound sense of alienation from language; I desperately want to achieve clarity, and yet feel most of the time as if clarity is impossible for me to achieve. I'm equally convinced that I'm surrounded (in real life and in the blogosphere) by people who can and do regularly express themselves clearly, and do so with apparent ease. And for some reason (this is what I want to figure out) I feel intense shame about my relative inadequacy. Like it's a personal failing that I need constantly to keep hidden, because if people really knew how hard it is for me to read, write, talk they'd think I was a freak, not to mention fire me on the spot.

I know it might seem that I'm inviting y'all to assure me that I am in fact articulate, but you see, I've been told that all my life and it doesn't seem to change my conviction. I think the question for me is not whether or not I'm articulate, but how I can overcome my shame about my struggle with words. And, of course, how I can make peace with, or once and for all abandon, my hyper-verbal career.