Daycares

I've gone from full- to part-time parenting this week, which helps explain my last post. A week ago, I decided to see how my daughter would respond to a visit to her old daycare. After 5 minutes of shyness, she not only wanted to stay and play with her friends, but she wanted me to leave. (Her precise words: "Mommy, go. a. way.") I decided to enroll her for 2 days a week, which thankfully is an option at this particular place. So far, I'm finding this routine pretty ideal.

Last year, I suffered enormous guilt over putting her in daycare 4 days a week. While her teachers assured me she had "great days," drop-off usually involved tearful clinging that left me, at least, emotionally drained and confused. I was ashamed of my emotional reaction, knowing that my daughter would quickly move on to having a good time. But it still felt wrong to leave her in that way.

And it felt particularly wrong when I would return home to face a solitary day of writing (or, more often, not writing). How could I claim that writing was more important than raising my child? Writing, moreover, that was not adding even one penny to the family coffers?

It was so much easier to leave her with someone else when I'd then head off to a day of teaching, office hours, meetings, grading. When I had no time to reflect on it, and felt I had no other options than to leave her with a sitter.

In my clearer moments, I'm quite sure that my daughter has only benefitted from her daycare situations. Most importantly, she's had the chance to play with other kids, which, as an only child of rather un-social parents, she doesn't get very much when she's home.

And, in my clearer moments, I see how important it is that I continue to work, to push through this block I've had. My daycare guilt, I have to admit, has been as much an expression of professional insecurities as of concern for my daughter's well-being. Hopefully, this new part-time arrangement will clear some of the emotional baggage from the air, and allow me to focus on my work, as well as spend quality time with my daughter, without giving me enough time to wallow in self-pity.